BREAKING: Black Bears Run Wild | Heavy Petting News Network


As promised, we’ve got something from the
heavier hitting side of Heavy Petting. We learned recently the Governor of Vermont was
chased by a group of black bears. Now with more on why he chased the Governor, we have
one of the black bears. Welcome, sir. Welcome to the program. Okay, first of all, Mike,
I want to say that I resent you referring to me as a ‘black bear’. My name is Ursus
Americanas, and you will refer to me as that or you will not have a guest. I’m sorry, black…Ursus,
I just thought it was an easier way to identify you…bears. Ahhhhhaaaaaaa! You mean profile
us ‘bears’? Dontcha, Mike? Uh, well, I uh…no. Mike? Mike? Mike, lemme tell you what I resent:
I resent that 10 percent of my so-called ‘black bears’ are incarcerated in zoos, while at
the same time, only 2 percent –you hear me?– 2 percent of polar bears are incarcerated
in the same prisons. That’s a disparity of 8 percent. That’s right, a black bear can
do math, shocking. The big kicker on all of this is that polar bears are the only bears
documented to actually actively stalk and kill humans. So where’s the justice in that,
Mike? Well, let’s find the justice. Let’s investigate that point: Why do you think that
is? Look at the media: Polar bears are glamorized. Polar bears drinking Coca Cola from a bottle–
it’s got swirls on it. A Coca Cola bottle is hard to hold, and that’s why they animate
that stuff. And little children see this, and they see them do the slip and slide that
they made themselves. They to tobogganing, and they do it in groups. And I don’t see
any blood all over the ice. I see polar bears playing with penguins. Penguins are a snack
that you eat with a Coca Cola. Also, the Discovery Channel has polar bears swimming like it’s
the damn Olympics. Are you kidding me? Okay, and not true for black asses…Ursus…Asses?
Pick one, man. And pick the right one. Ursus. Not true for black ursus? S***, man. Are we
talkin’ about black bears, Mike? Mike, are we talkin’ about black bears? I think we’re
talkin’ about black bears? I see black bears on the news breaking into some sort of hybrid
vehicle that some dentist’s daughter owns, outside a high school, because he’s trying
to get ahold of some lipstick that smells like Cherry Blaze or something like…it’s
crazy, man! And then you got black bears fallin’ out of trees onto trampolines, getting bounced
up in the air, landing on the ground. And some kid’s birthday party, and everybody’s
laughing and pointin’ at him, hitting him with the party poppers. This is not true.
This is not right. This shouldn’t be happening. It’s terrible. That’s an accident, man. Why
are you laughing and putting kettle drums underneath it? Nobody needs that. Okay. Well,
I want you to, while you’re here, address the stereotype that says that black bears
steal honey, sir. What do you say to that? Mike, the stereotype is not true. The woods
are our kitchen. So when I go into my kitchen and get some honey from a beehive, where bees
are actively stinging the s*** out of me, and I know the stuff is that good that I wanna
be stung-out, then I am in my own kitchen. I am taking it, not stealing it. What I’m
telling you is that the animal kingdom is a system of controls and lies, and it is specifically
designed to black bears down, brown bears down. The red bear’s non-existent. What happened
to him? Uh, oh! We’re all getting stepped on by this B.S., and I’ll blame lions. Oh,
okay. Well, fascinating stuff, black Ursus. Thanks for joining us. Hey, fascinate yourself
up on this: Free this bear! Free me! I’m in prison. I don’t belong here. The Governor
should have been eaten. Yes, sir. We should have carved him up. We should have made bacon
out of him and served it to everybody. Free this bear, Mike! Mike, I want you to free
this bear! You got the record. You see…hey!

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