Dem Candidates Struggle To Impress Donors And Stay In The News


WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, TO
“THE LATE SHOW.”
I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT’S FRIDAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LISTEN TO THAT, JON.
THAT CAN ONLY BE ONE THING.
THAT’S A FRIDAY CROWD RIGHT
THERE, THAT IS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ABSOLUTELY.
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES.
IT IS FRIDAY AND TRUMP IS
THANKING GOD THAT IT IS.
BECAUSE HE’S HAD A ROUGH WEEK.
THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY HAS BEEN
SO DAMNING, TRUMP NEEDED HIS
HOUSE REPUBLICAN BUDDIES TO
BARGE INTO THE CLASSIFIED
TESTIMONY TO TRY TO SHUT IT
DOWN.
WHEN THEY FINALLY DO MAKE THE
TESTIMONY PUBLIC, HE’LL HAVE TO
SEND THOSE GUYS TO EVERY
AMERICAN’S HOUSE TO BLOCK THEIR
TVs.
THERE ARE 18 DEMOCRATS VYING TO
REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE THE
OLD-FASHIONED WAY.
I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT’S “DOIN’ IT DONKEY
STYLE.”
>>GENDER-NEUTRAL BATHROOMS!
>>Stephen: TONIGHT, IT’S A
SOLEMN D-STYLE, BECAUSE WE
JUST A LITTLE LESS D.
NAMELY, OHIO REPRESENTATIVE AND
MAN WHO RELEASED A DOVE THAT
FLEW DIRECTLY INTO A JET ENGINE,
TIM RYAN.
THAT REALLY PAINTS A PICTURE.
THAT REALLY PAINTS A PICTURE.
YESTERDAY, RYAN ISSUED THIS
ANNOUNCEMENT:
>>I’M ANNOUNCING TODAY THAT I’M
WITHDRAWING FROM THE
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.
I GOT INTO THIS RACE IN APRIL TO
REALLY GIVE VOICE TO THE
FORGOTTEN PEOPLE OF OUR COUNTRY.
>>Stephen: AND I CAN THINK OF
NO BETTER VOICE TO REPRESENT THE
FORGOTTEN PEOPLE OF AMERICA
THAN…
HELP ME OUT HERE.
WAS IT… RYAN JIMMIES?
CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY?
IT’S THREE NAMES.
WELL, NOW THAT CONGRESSMAN CHAD
IS GONE, LET’S REMOVE HIM FROM
OUR GIANT CLUSTER OF DEMOCRATIC
CANDIDATES.
AND…
IT LOOKS LIKE WE FORGOT TO PUT
HIM IN THERE.
I DON’T SEE HIM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CAN WE JUST JAM HIM IN THERE
SOME PLACE, JIM.
THANK YOU!
GREAT.
NOW LET’S TAKE HIM AWAY.
( APPLAUSE )
I THINK I HUFFED HIM.
( LAUGHTER )
IN THE MONEY RACE, WALL STREET’S
DEMOCRATIC DONORS HAVE WARNED
THE PARTY THAT IF THEY NOMINATE
ELIZABETH WARREN, THEY’LL SIT
OUT OR BACK TRUMP.
SO IF YOU CAN’T HAVE EXACTLY
WHAT YOU WANT, YOU’LL TAKE THE
WORST THING YOU CAN IMAGINE.
WORST THING THERE IS.
“WE’RE ORDERING PIZZA?
SWEET.
I WANT PEPPERONI.
AND IF YOU ORDER MUSHROOM, I’M
GOING TO HIT MYSELF IN THE NARDS
WITH A BALL-PEEN HAMMER.
I DOLL IT!
I WILL DO IT!
DON’T MAKE ME!”
WHY ARE THESE FINANCE DEMOCRATS
SO OPPOSED TO WARREN?
WELL, ONE WALL STREET DOUCHEWIG
PUT IT THIS WAY: “WARREN IS AN
UNAPOLOGETIC POPULIST WHO WOULD
REDUCE CORPORATE EARNINGS TO
BENEFIT OTHER STAKEHOLDERS.”
WHICH STAKEHOLDERS?
“WORKERS,” THE “ENVIRONMENT,”
“THOSE WITH LOWER INCOMES,” AND
FINALLY, “WOMEN AND MINORITIES.”
BOO!
WHAT ABOUT– WHAT ABOUT INNOCENT
CORPORATE EARNINGS?
THINK OF POOR DOWAGER JONES AND
LITTLE TIMMY NASDAQ.
( LAUGHTER )
THEY’RE GOING TO BE FORCED TO
SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH THEIR
SECOND-FAVORITE COKE DEALER.
DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THE WORDS OF
JESUS?
“IF YOU WANT TO BE PERFECT, GO,
SELL YOUR POSSESSIONS AND GIVE
IT ALL TO THE STOCK MARKET.
WE’RE GONNA MAKE SOME SWEET
COIN.
SUCK IT, MEEK!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

“SUCK IT, MEEK!”
( APPLAUSE )

PARAPHRASING.
PARAPHRASING.
>>Jon: TRANSLATION.
IT’S A TRANSLATION
>>Stephen: ONE BIG DONKEY DONOR
WHO’S NOT AFRAID OF WARREN IS
FORMER GOLDMAN SACHS PARTNER AND
NEAL PATRICK HAIRLESS, MICHAEL
NOVOGRATZ.
MR. NOVOGRATZ WAS INTERVIEWED BY
“BLOOMBERG” ON FRIDAY, AND HE
TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO CHIDE
HIS FELLOW MONEY BUDDIES:
“YOU’RE NOT VICTIMS.
YOU’RE THE RICHEST PEOPLE IN THE
WORLD.
HOW IN GOD’S NAME DO YOU FEEL
LIKE A VICTIM?”
TO WHICH RICH PEOPLE RESPONDED,
“WELL, IF I’M NOT GOD’S VICTIM,
THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE NAME
OF MY YACHT?”
( LAUGHTER )
AND WARREN’S NOT THE ONLY
CANDIDATE GIVING VOTERS SOME
COLD FEET.
ACCORDING TO “THE NEW YORK
TIMES,” MANY ESTABLISHMENT
DEMOCRATS ARE ASKING, “IS THERE
ANYBODY ELSE?”
NO!
TIM RYAN HAD TO DROP OUT BECAUSE
WE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH PODIUMS!
YOU HAVE SO MANY OPTIONS, AND
YOU’RE ASKING FOR MORE?
THAT’S LIKE SHOWING UP FOR
THANKSGIVING DINNER AND ASKING
FOR A FIVE-FOOT PARTY SUB!
NO!
YOUR MOTHER WORKED REALLY HARD
ON THIS MEAL.
SHE LEARNED HOW TO STUFF A
HICKENLOOPER.
( LAUGHTER )
AND ASIDE FROM THE PRIMARY’S
FRONTRUNNERS, OTHER CANDIDATES
ARE STRUGGLING TO STAY IN
THE NEWS, LIKE FORMER MARYLAND
CONGRESSMAN AND HANK HILL’S
NEIGHBOR FROM “KING OF THE
HILL,” JOHN DELANEY.
( APPLAUSE )
REALLY GOOD.
REALLY GOOD.
THIS WEEK, DELANEY’S CAMPAIGN
ANNOUNCED A PROMOTION WHERE
DONORS WILL BE ENTERED INTO A
CONTEST TO WIN A SEAT NEXT TO
DELANEY AT THE FOURTH GAME OF
THE WORLD SERIES.
WHICH, THAT’S GREAT.
THAT’S A REALLY POSITIVE WAY TO
REFRAME THE FACT THAT NOBODY
WANTED TO GO TO THE WORLD SERIES
WITH JOHN DELANEY.
IN A PRESS RELEASE, DELANEY
WROTE, “SOMETHING YOU MAY NOT
KNOW ABOUT ME IS THAT I’M A BIG
BASEBALL FAN.”
THANKS, JOHN.
ANOTHER THING I DON’T KNOW ABOUT
YOU…
( LAUGHTER )
IS ANYTHING.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )

SO– SORRY!
( LAUGHTER )
AND OTHER DEMOCRATIC CONTENDERS
GOT IN ON THE GAME, LIKE
MONTANA’S STEVE BULLOCK, WHO
TWEETED, “IT AIN’T THE WORLD
SERIES, BUT IF YOU COME TO THE
CROSS TOWN GAME IN HELENA THIS
WEEKEND, I’LL BUY YOU A COKE.”
ADDING, “AND IF YOU CAN TELL THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND
MICHAEL BENNET, I’LL BUY YOU A
CAR.”

100 thoughts on “Dem Candidates Struggle To Impress Donors And Stay In The News

  1. Corporate donors only keep talking about warren because they want you to think she is their worst nightmare so we vote for her instead of their actual worst nightmare.
    #Bernie2020

  2. Wall Street Executives lambasting Warren is a head-fake to grow Warren’s popularity among those who dislike Wall Street. They would much prefer Warren to Sanders, who is the existential threat to the freedom of those who caused the Great Recession.

  3. Oh my god this reminded me: Could you guys PLEASE bring back the Hungry For Power Games this election! They were glorious I want em back!!!

  4. Didn’t you know some of these republicans were actually allowed to be in the committee meeting. It’s all about optics.

  5. She is in the boat right now …try to spread the Christian religion to the world in the complicate and not with the update technologies ( so…the young kids would guess … these people who try to teach them about the god …hammer ..in the wrong way ,..not thinking first … cause Jesus stuck on the tree a bit longer than usual

  6. Bill Dauterive and most of the main cast of King of the Hill are Trump's core voters – cartoonish, and a little dumb! I'm beginning to seriously suspect that Kellyanne Conway is really Peggy Hill after some cosmetic surgery and a Joker-style bath in a vat of peroxide!

  7. It doesn't matter, even if Warren wins those Wall Street goons will lobby millions of dollars against her to make sure she fails and they win….rich people always win in the end…Americans may as well vote for Trump, it won't make a difference until you fix Congress..

  8. How can you even talk about flip flopper Warren as a threat to the establishment when Bernie is in the race? Gaslighting bullshit. Stop the Bernie blackout. #bernie2020 The only way to beat Trump.

  9. If the party nominates Warren or Sanders, I'll sit out the election too. This race is going to be lost or won in the primary. If the hard left in the super blue states force that choice on the Dems in the battleground states that will actually determine the 2020 outcome, it will be the hard left that re-elects the bastard.

  10. Cocaïne sniffing Wall Street donors are NOT democrat donors. They just proved that they are a bunch of opportunistic money wolves.

  11. If wall street's fear of Warren isn't the best ad for Warren, I don't know what is. Jesus, those wall street suits are out of touch.

  12. Hey, Colbert…. Could you pretty please, with sugar and cream on top, do that finger-snappy thing to Biden, and take him away???? Someone with your kind of power ought to use it for some real good….

  13. Remember this man name.. Big Bad John Durham.. He's going to shove an investigation so far up the Democrats ass that they will be walking Bull Legged for 25 to live. Obama and his Corrupt Administration heads are about to explode.

  14. BTW now another POS Billionaire 'Repuke-Lite' Bloomberg is threatening to run (also as an independent in general) to make SURE t.Rump stays in office!

  15. Wait Wait Wait, this Millionaire who has Done Nothing but spew propaganda is telling YOU Cooperations are Bad?
    Wake up people! This Racist Nothing just wants a bigger bank account.

  16. Wall Street don’t ever forget you’re backed by us taxpayer dollars and us! Wake the f-up to the reality of Dtrump stealing your money away!

  17. Another reason I love Andrew Yang. Eliminate the influence of Citizen's United and Super-PACs with Democracy Dollars – https://www.yang2020.com/policies/democracydollars/

  18. Democrats present quantity over quality.. Don't think they are giving the Trump worshippers any reason to switch sides.

  19. I wont vote for anyone but bernie so i get it . Id rather the dnc learn a lesson then follow them blindly . They screwed us with Hillary. And now theyre trying to again

  20. It’s sad that Colbert is also a corporate sellout he only claims they said this about warren but the quote was Bernie and Warren mainstream tv make it seem like Bernie is not the favorite with the people not the polls. There is a media blackout on him cause they don’t want you to know how strong he truly is Colbert if your really a god fearing man tell the truth about bernie

  21. It has now been discovered that Mr Delaney is actually Bill Dauterive from Arlen, Texas.

    We of the Maryland Delegation are working to have Mr. Dauterive deported back to Texas. More to follow…

  22. This is exactly why we need Bernie or Warren. Enough with politicians and the entire DNC catering to donors and wealthy elites instead of focusing on the people. Bernie/Warren 2020 dream team

  23. When a show becomes 90% political, you know it sucks. Making fun of Trump is not funny anymore…….The left and right are corrupt and anyone with half a brain cell would know this. There are sooooo many other things that are funny in the world. We are all sick of politics. UGHHHHH

  24. Come to father balogna.
    woman are a minority.. in Ca. Where adultry is unrecognized as a crime..in god they do not trust..

  25. Wow, Sanders will not take money from any corporation or superpac and has more individual donations (largely from Amazon and Walmart workers who don't have much to spare) than anyone else by a big margin and Warren is the only candidate? She is a good second choice but a watered-down version of the original.

    Only Bernie advocates for healthcare for all, only he has promised student debt relief for all. Warren is the DNC's bulwark against the real deal if Biden fails. We have Trump now because DNC chairwoman (and Hillary campaign manager) Debbie Wasserman-Schultz cheated so hard in 2016 she had to be fired (for getting caught). Notice the "superdelegates" are keeping their mouths shut this time?

    I don't believe any of them will vote for the guy who wants to shift the tax burden from the poor back to the rich. The billionaires do not want Bernie leading America to feeding the poor, educating our young, housing the homeless, comforting the sick or saving he earth if it doesn't maximize Wall Street profits for shareholders only-like the people that own this station. That is why Sanders always says, "Us, not me". he is trying to jump start a revolution for all of us, not just fewer than dozen who have more wealth than more than half the nation combined.

    Credit to Warren, she has challenged Wall Street but not anywhere near as long as Sanders, like everything else. Corporate sponsors are certainly getting their say on late night TV & I love Colbert. Follow the money isn't just about crimes…

  26. Stephen has lost a lot of weight and his British accent since I last watched him. Does he still sing with celebs in his automobile?

  27. 5:31 Another thing Steve probably doesn't know about John Delaney is Delaney would actually be affected by Warren's tax policy and has to pay even the wealth tax she proposes. He is worth more than $50m…^^

  28. If the Democratic party gives a shit about what wealthy [Wall St) donors think then the party establishment hasn't heard the shot yet. The country needs change and it should be as major as it was in the 1930s with FDR.

  29. The dem candidates are a joke and a losing ticket. The ONLY one that is real and pragmatic enough to speak truth is Tulsi Gabbard… the person America really needs is RICHARD PAINTER someone that tells the truth America needs to hear and doesn’t pander to who’s more progressive far left stupidities.. Americans are a nation of juvenile morons right or left

  30. Sad who is as heavy and a power weight as trump and Hillary in 16 ???? none of these candidates Joe Biden can’t even deal with him good Vice President and advocate for certain things but president hell no 🥴🥴🥴🥴.

  31. i don't vote but if i was to vote i wouldn't look at the candidates.. i would look at the people behind the candidates

  32. The Five Dances of Ignorance and Temptation:

    One being the nobility and the blood and immortality.

    Two being the philosophy, sciences, and ring making.

    Three is the One and the prime mover.

    Four are marketing, money, product, and the post.

    Five is the lust, the family, and the children.

    The Theologians of Blood

    I am your

    laissez-faire children

    I am your

    bourgeoisie normal

    I am your noblest

    king villains

    I am immortal!

    Their gifts of blood

    replenish me…

    They're thieving

    daughters

    admonish me…

    I am immortal!

    I am immortal!

    I am their

    revelations imparted

    Their seclusion and

    disappearing

    I am their

    sacrificially departed

    Their delusions and

    sensory appealing

    I am immortal!

    -f. Nienow

    A Dark Monastery:

    A Victorian of the

    dead

    skulls, jelly, and

    mud

    strength in

    understanding

    of pathogens and

    diseased blood

    a dark monastery

    a poet’s blood

    nobility…

    digging bodies

    well-consumed

    sycophant's

    sarcophagus

    the idiot-man-child

    repents

    a parent of sheep

    and cats

    skills that never

    ceased to call

    the immortalist

    consumes

    a butcher killing

    takes them all

    their nature's so

    ensued

    -f. Nienow

  33. Alot of people retirement investments is in the stock market. I wish that I`ve worked for the Federal or State Government, I need my Dividends payouts more then my social security.

  34. Warren has a plan to take money from everyone, and break up every company which is successful because they are creating products and services which people want.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *